An Asked Question Is Answered, Or, Saturday Morning at 8:00am


There remains one unfinished piece of business on Privilege. Several of you have asked me to talk about relationships, about marriage. And I haven’t.

In fact I am divorced. I feel shame even to type those words, but it is the truth. I was married, for 20 years. Separated in 2006.

In the world of divorces it wasn’t the best ever, nor was it the worst. I still live in the same house, my kids are doing well, the process was managed with as little visible drama as possible. And yet to think about the moment we announced our separation to the children still makes my eyes tear, and my throat hurt.

When I was young I had planned, as one does, to stay married always. I loved my family and the home we made. When the marriage ended I felt terrible for what I could not give my children any more. I wasn’t a woman scorned, not in any traditional sense, but that mitigated neither sorrow nor pain.

By now, a good deal of the initial tumult has passed. I am in a relationship, and happy. You might ask, “Why not tell us this before? Why the secrecy?” Good question. Because, once, when I talked about doing some writing, my daughter asked me what I would write about. I answered something like, “Oh, life, work, the sky, relationships.” “Don’t write about relationships, Mom, please,” she said. So I haven’t. And won’t, going forward. Nor will I write about anything here other than my own feelings.

You might ask, “Why say anything at all?” Because I needed to set the record straight. Because I cringe, so, when blog commenters doubt my veracity. Because I have to be sure that everything I say is as true as I can make it. If I’m going to hold forth on what I’m good at, I need to complete the picture with what I wasn’t very good at. Otherwise I just don’t feel right.

I don’t know whether there’s a High WASP spin on this or not. Maybe in the level of shame, in the feeling of failure that dogs me like the Hound of the Baskervilles. Maybe that I’d even use a term from Sherlock Holmes in this context. Maybe I can just tell you that when High WASPs divorce they get new furniture at Pottery Barn, unable to summon up sufficient discernment for custom upholstery. In that situation you need someone else to make it all go together.

But my guess is that culture and class matter less here than who we have become through living in our bodies and our hearts. My days are not sad now. But I am still sad and ashamed I got divorced.

Luckily the simplest of facts is true. Life goes on.

Have a wonderful weekend.

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66 Comments

  • 09/04/10
    7:39 am

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    Average Girl said...

    Hi… just stopped by after seeing your blog on Collage of Life… Please don't feel shame about your divorce… My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage and my mom felt the same way… and the only thing I could think of to say was, that most importantly above all, I would survive as a kid of divorce, but both her and my father deserved to be happy in a life that was meant for them. You deserve happiness above and beyond how it effects your children, they will survive, I survived, my brother survived and we are better because they are happier… It has been many many years since my parents divorced and I think that my mother is phenomenal, strong, independent, witty, great sense of humour, things I didn't see when she was with my father. Don't feel shame, feel wonderful and embrace your life and be you. You deserve much happiness, everyone does!

    Sorry, you don't know me from a hole in the ground, but your story really resonated with me!

    Happy Saturday! Hope I wasn't out of line…

    Tracy
    http://www.goodgirlgoneaverage.blogspot.com

  • 09/04/10
    7:42 am

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    julia::ordinarysaturdays said...

    We all think that it will be forever, but it's a long life and all kinds of things can happen. Be sad if you need it, but I hope you will get past feeling ashamed.

  • 09/04/10
    7:47 am

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    Jill said...

    "Because I cringe, so, when commentors doubt my veracity"… I want to say something very NOT High Wasp right now about any commentor who would question your veracity…which proves that I'm not High Wasp at all, but you already knew that. Your regular readers love you…including me. Fill us in on whatever makes YOU comfortable. You don't owe us anything.

    I was ashamed of my divorce as well. But, I got over it. He was a dick and there was no changing that fact! From what I understand from "sources"…he has proven his dickdom to this day!

  • 09/04/10
    7:51 am

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    Lily Lemontree said...

    The 'Average Girl' speaks with an above average intelligence! Shame should only be felt when we allow an unhappy life to continue without taking the steps to change that unhappiness.
    Hope you are having a marvelous weekend!

  • 09/04/10
    8:17 am

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    Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

    Oh I hate that you feel shame! I'm so sorry to hear that. You had a long marriage and now you have anohter wonderful relationship. If the divorce never happend, many other wonderful things would not have happened either. The lows make us appreciate the highs that much more in life! I wish I could say something that would make you feel pride, not shame. You are far too fabulous to be feeling blue!

  • 09/04/10
    8:28 am

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    Genuine Lustre said...

    Aw, LPC, I admire your honesty. Let's all raise a gin and tonic to new beginnings.

  • 09/04/10
    8:32 am

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    Susan Tiner said...

    Golly. I was definitely ashamed after the first divorce. After the second one I was like, wow, life is complicated but you have to press forward. After the third divorce I was vaguely aware of a pattern. Finally happily matched — just celebrated our 6th anniversary — all I can say reflecting back on marriage(s) is that it is so hard know in advance all of the ways in which we'll bring unfinished work on ourselves into relationships with others also processing. The self projects so much onto the other — mostly power. I too wish I had been able to provide more family stability but I don't get too wrapped up in thinking of my kids as missing out. They are both fine. The point is to gain some understanding — hopefully to avoid making the same mistakes going forward.

    They also have asked that I not write about the marriages.

  • 09/04/10
    9:03 am

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    LPC said...

    Average Girl – Thank you so much. These words meant a lot. "I think that my mother is phenomenal, strong, independent, witty, great sense of humour, things I didn't see when she was with my father."

    Julia – I hope so too. Maybe that was another goal in this post I didn't even know I had.

    Jill – Chica!

    Lily – Thank you. You are kind as well as polite.

    laparesseuse – There is so much life left. As everyone has said to me, don't feel shame. We all make our decisions with what we know at the time.

  • 09/04/10
    9:07 am

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    LPC said...

    Preppy – Thank you. I will never feel pride about that part of my life, but I am surely building a lot of other areas, with all of your help.

    Genuine – Cheers. Thank you.

    Susan – That was a lot for you to go through. Glad you are happy now.

  • 09/04/10
    9:14 am

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    DocP said...

    I wasn't expecting any new posts until Tuesday and stopped by to see if there were any new comments on your last post. As difficult as I'm sure this was to write, I suspect it will not surprise any of your regular followers.
    To quote one of my high school English teachers, "Guilt and shame are generally not constructive emotions." It was her commentary on Edith Wharton. I try to remember that when I'm mentally beating myself up about some failure. Learn the lesson and move on. Embrace your new life. I look forward to the new website design and your future posts.

  • 09/04/10
    9:19 am

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    Hannah said...

    I really really really liked this post. I have been thinking about divorce a lot, I got married six weeks ago and marriage is on my mind constantly and so divorce is as well. I'm glad you are happy now.

  • 09/04/10
    9:23 am

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    Mona said...

    Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. Life happens. We must live with the consequences of our choices, and do our best to be at peace. Truthfully, your relationship status is no ones business but your own. Thank you for sharing. :)

  • 09/04/10
    10:35 am

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    Marcela said...

    Please, don't feel ashamed. There's nothing to feel ashamed of. My grandmother and my mother both divorced at 37, for very different reasons, and despite being able to raise 2 kids each on their own and being strong, beautiful, intelligent and sensitive women, they both felt ashamed and embarrassed of being divorced. It is only now, 20 years later, that my mom is beginning to rediscover herself and I am so proud of her journey but wish she would have enjoyed her life more.
    She never realized that she didn't owe us anything, especially not keeping a family together at the expense of her own wellbeing. She gave us plenty and if my parent's divorce taught me anything at all it is that it's never too late to start over again. Life changes, people change. 20 years is a long time. You didn't fail at anything.

  • 09/04/10
    10:36 am

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    SewingLibrarian said...

    Thank you for this post. I have wondered but never would have asked. Divorce is very personal, and each person has to make peace with it in his or her way. I believe only those who have been through it (count me as one) can understand how hard it is.

  • 09/04/10
    10:56 am

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    DaniBP said...

    Definitely a tough subject. I divorced my first husband and I did feel shame, but it passed. I can understand your feelings entirely, and I do hope they pass for you as well.
    I think you are lovely, and I wish you every happiness!

  • 09/04/10
    11:06 am

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    materfamilias said...

    Shame is so insidious, intractable, so remarkably efficacious. I'm so sorry you so deeply feel it over the end of your marriage. I've had personal luck (and I emphasize that luck) with the institution, but its regular enforcement by shame in so many ways makes me wary of its respective value. Although I will rejoice, next year, at the nuptials of Daughter #3, while crossing my fingers to bring her a little luck of her own . . .

    Lovely to have you back, honest and insightful and self-reflexive as ever.

  • 09/04/10
    12:00 pm

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    Wildernesschic said...

    Please dont feel shame about your divorce, far as it sounds you managed to handle it in a very civilised way.. You kids have not suffered and you have been able to move on. My in laws got divorced after 39 years of marriage and it was the most horrific and acrimonious thing that I have ever witnessed during this time, I married and had two boys … My husband was disinherited by his father .. just for making sure that he didn't screw the mother financially which he was trying to do.. needless to say, he was damaged by it. We both were.
    To me, its not the marriage or the divorce that is important but how you live your life, I am with my husband because I choose to be, I really wasn't worried about being married, but conventionally I suppose it is more acceptable for the children.
    You sound like a sensitive and caring mother and person, that is truly all that matters xx
    Ps I called to say thanks for the comment :)
    I

  • 09/04/10
    12:16 pm

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    metscan said...

    Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it!

  • 09/04/10
    1:40 pm

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    Staircase Witch said...

    I don't know the details of your divorce, but I do know that my own mother experienced the same kind of reaction for years after she and my father divorced (they had been married for 30 years). Somehow, the older people on both sides of the family and many of her own social circle blamed *her* for my father's inadequacies as a husband and a man. Despite our best efforts, there was nothing I or my siblings could do to persuade her that none of what had happened was her fault.

    Grief at the death of a long-lived marriage seems like a natural response, but shame just seems to come with the territory, however undeserved, and particularly for women. It just doesn't seem fair.

    I hope your family has been saner and more sympathetic, and that your feeling of shame will go away over time. It did for my mother, though she now has rather a different view of men and marriage altogether.

  • 09/04/10
    1:51 pm

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    The Cape House said...

    What a shockingly raw post – in a good way. Many bloggers, myself included, are rarely so honest. I must admit I never once wondered if you were married or not. I think that is because your writing is so purposeful that is makes you stand out as you. And that it has depth so much so that the reader gets distracted thinking about the substance and the questions at hand and your perspective that {at least in my case} there is no need to wonder what you look like or who your husband might be etc. I was even surprised when you posted a photo of yourself because I became so focused on your thoughts that I didn't feel I needed to know surface things about you. I hope I conveyed my point appropriately.

    I really respect people who move through a divorce with dignity and without drama, which it sounds like happened here. My parents are together still but I have some relatives who are dragging the whole family through what has become the latest installment of the Forsyte saga and is demonstrating just how valuable a prenup can later be. One of my Uncles is going on year six of this mess.

    Enjoy your new relationship and the weekend. Thank you for the comment today :).

  • 09/04/10
    2:01 pm

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    LPC said...

    DocP – Glad you came by. And you won't be surprised to know that in one version this posted ended, "Enough. Onward." The new design should be up early in October, and the break has given me lots of time to think about new topics.

    Hannah – Thank you. Your wedding looked wonderful. Now is a good time to think about this – everyone should have to get divorced before they get married.

    Mona – You're welcome. And you are right. "We must live with the consequences of our choices, and do our best to be at peace."

    Marcela – Thank you. I believe I will take my lesson and move forward. Glad your mom is OK now.

    Librarian – Thank you. Glad you are on the other side. Long, hard road and all.

  • 09/04/10
    2:08 pm

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    LPC said...

    DaniP – Thank you so much. Glad you are feeling good now.

    Mater – "Shame is so insidious, intractable, so remarkably efficacious." And so useless, once the thing is done. Congratulations on Daughter #3's engagement and many good wishes for her upcoming marriage. Thank you. It's good to be back.

    Wildernesschic – Thank you very much. I did my best, which was not close to perfect. So sorry for your husband's family trials. My family has in fact been a huge source of support. And you're welcome!

    Mette – And you for yours.

    Staircase – I've been fortunate, in that my family understands both where I failed and how hard I tried. I've been even astonished at how wonderful they've been.

    The Cape House – Thank you. I thought long and hard, as you can imagine. It didn't seem right to keep my usual tongue-in-cheek tone. If I was going to tell the story, I had to tell it as it felt. I am so happy that my writing rose above my personal situation. You're welcome for the comment. I'd love to get back to the Cape, some day, and I am very fond of your stories and photos.

  • 09/04/10
    3:42 pm

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    materfamilias said...

    I should have added the "useless" myself, but I suppose I took it for granted. I do hope you know that I see it that way.
    Except . . . that the efficacy of shame is in the way it keeps us in whatever place suits whatever constellation of power put it in place. So that it does serve a purpose, or a use, if we can't step away from it.
    I suspect talking about it as publicly as you have means you are doing that, by degrees. I want to cheer. . .

  • 09/04/10
    4:39 pm

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    Anonymous said...

    Such a poignant post. I, myself, am in a loveless marriage and think of divorce frequently. I admire you for your courage and honesty, and am glad to hear that you are in a relationship and happy. Here's to new beginnings!

  • 09/04/10
    5:53 pm

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    EntertainingMom said...

    XOXO… is all I can say right now… You understand.

  • 09/04/10
    5:59 pm

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    North of 25A said...

    Thank you for your honesty. I, like many of your other followers, feel sadness that you feel shame. Blogging is an oddly intimate community, isn't it? Having been divorced myself, I identify completely with how you feel, despite the fact that I have been happily remarried for almost 20 years. Complicated feelings. I can be brought to tears in a broken heart beat when the pain that my adult children still carry surfaces. I do the best that I can and often ask for understanding as well as forgiveness. I also pray about it all, which helps.
    Best,
    Colleen

  • 09/04/10
    6:07 pm

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    North of 25A said...

    PS – While at the Scottish games I did find the Murray tartan & have pictures too – will post soon.
    Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

  • 09/04/10
    7:15 pm

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    Faux Fuchsia said...

    Ok, I am clearly not a WASP because I do not feel one bit of shame or guilty about being divorced. Sad yes. Wished things had been different- of course. ButI was in my 20s and had no children, so maybe that's why.

    You are honest and I love this post.

    I always feel furious when people suggest divorce should be more difficult (In Australia you must be separated for 12 months until you can file for divorce and Thank God we have a No Fault Policy here) because in my opinion it is the hardest and saddest thing most people ever do.

    Good for you finding love again. Everyone desrves their 2nd or 3rd or 4th chance of happiness.

  • 09/04/10
    7:16 pm

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    Reggie Darling said...

    Dear LPC: Never be ashamed of that which you have tried for, and at one point attained, to find it fall through your hands like sand on a summer's beach. If there is one thing I have learned in my years it is that nothing can be regretted that one hasn't attempted. I admire your grace, humor, and aplomb. Thank you. Reggie

  • 09/04/10
    8:14 pm

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    Karena said...

    To move through to our next life with dignity, determination and yes, seek happiness from within is what is really important.

    I never felt shame so much as guilt for what my children went through. Even they knew it was for the best.

    You are a courageous woman and I am proud to consider you a wonderful friend through blogging.

    Karena
    Art by Karena

  • 09/05/10
    1:51 am

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    Sydney Shop Girl said...

    Hi LPC
    I admire your honesty and respect you for being able to write as objectively a you have about what was a painful and difficult time.

    I'm with all your readers, please don't feel shame anymore. I hope it will fade with time.

    SSG xxx

  • 09/05/10
    3:43 am

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    Tabitha said...

    I can understand that feeling, no one in the history of our family has ever gotten divorced, it just "isn't done." This terrified me so much that I waited until I was 35 to get married.
    There are such wonderful comments here from your lovely followers, filled with understanding and empathy, society is moving forward positively for once.

  • 09/05/10
    4:32 am

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    Anonymous said...

    Bon courage, madame.

  • 09/05/10
    6:00 am

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    Caroline said...

    I understand how hard it must have been for you to write this, and I appreciate your honesty and courage.

    I'm looking forward to more of your wonderful posts.

  • 09/05/10
    6:39 am

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    Tish Jett said...

    Dearest Skye,

    This incredibly touching, beautifully written, raw post is extraordinary.

    Reading between the lines for what(?) over a year now, I thought you were divorced. I also thought you were content, grounded, happy in your life with rich, rewarding relationships with your children.

    My divorce was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. As my daughter pointed out to me when I apologized to her many, many years later: "But we never would have moved to France, you never would have met the love of your life. I'm happy for you and for me."

    I believe things happen for a reason in life and that reason pushes us forward or backward. I have friends who have never moved forward and their sole conversation dwells in the past. It's tragic.

    This post makes me like you even more than I already did. It also makes me wish we were friends in the real world, not solely the virtual.

    xoxo,
    Tish

  • 09/05/10
    8:22 am

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    glaciercountyhoney said...

    I like your honesty this week, even if un-WASPy. Perhaps the internets will change WASPs in a way that all the crashes of the stock market never could. I find that sharing pain takes the sting out of it, and hope you do, too. Be well.
    Courtney

  • 09/05/10
    10:49 am

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    fourth said...

    Dear LPC, Your courage and honesty are profoundly touching and I feel so sad. One's tender places are so precious, and yet the white light of truth, which we all revere, shines a light on what is essentially very very private. You are a samurai, LPC. The Fourth Canary.

  • 09/05/10
    1:49 pm

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    LPC said...

    Mater – I have not thought enough about the way my personal life reflected power constellations. Thank you.

    Anon – I am so sorry. I wish nothing but the best for you, and thank you for your own wish for me.

    EM – Yes. xoxo to you.

    North – Congratulations on your year 20-year marriage. "I can be brought to tears in a broken heart beat when the pain that my adult children still carry surfaces." Thank you. And for the Murray tartan:).

    FF – Thank you. For your spirit and your good wishes.

  • 09/05/10
    1:50 pm

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    SouthernProletariat said...

    LPC, always remember that you owe us, as readers nothing. We glimpse into your life only as much as you allow, and should expect no more.

    And on the divorce, the longer I live, the more importance the extension of grace and mercy in all circumstances becomes. It is only those who have never been humbled by thier own mistakes, or the mistakes of others, who stand so haughty and proud to scoff at others.

  • 09/05/10
    1:52 pm

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    LPC said...

    Reggie – Like sand, on the beach, at the end of summer. Thank you.

    Karena – "Seek happiness from within is what is really important."

    SSG- Thank you very much.

    Tabitha – Yes, I believe society is moving forward, for the good, in many ways. The comments here have astonished me. So much eloquence and so many good wishes.

    Anon – Merci beaucoup for ces mots.

  • 09/05/10
    6:09 pm

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    Anonymous said...

    I was not ashamed of my divorce but I went home to another city and my mother would not tell the neighbors as she was so ashamed of my divorce. It was the saddest thing I even witnessed. Even sadder was a letter written to me out of the blue by the ex-husband apologizing for his behavior 25 years later. He was failing in his 4th marriage and had regrets about walking out of our marriage. I constantly marvel at humans and what we do to each other.

  • 09/05/10
    6:32 pm

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    Buckeroomama said...

    Thank you for your grace and for your honesty. There is no rule that says that we have to bare all. We are allowed to keep some parts private –be they painful, shameful, or beautiful. That is our prerogative as keepers of our blogs. :)

  • 09/05/10
    7:56 pm

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    SLynnRo said...

    Interesting. I've always sort of assumed this just based on what you've shared. And ya know, you shouldn't be ashamed. But I get it.

  • 09/06/10
    4:58 am

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    RoseAG said...

    Well you're a Californian.

    Obviously I assumed you were married because you mention children, and I assume for a 53 y/o High-WASP that children connotate marriage, but it doesn't mean you have to be married forever.

    I don't see that husbands should matter for a blog that lists style, objects of beauty, social and the raptures of life as it's focus.

    If you are considering focusing on relationships then it's good to say what yours are, so the reader knows. It's like when the op-ed writer acknowledges that they consult for mega-corporation when writing about mega-corporation legislation.

  • 09/06/10
    7:52 am

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    tintin said...

    Thank you. It's much more interesting than a center piece but so much harder to write about. I fear I've written too much but it always feels better afterwards. Even when someone calls me a douchebag.

  • 09/06/10
    9:13 am

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    LPC said...

    Anon – I am so sorry for how your mother handled this. I am also happy that we humans have the capacity to treat each other well. Thank you.

    Buckeroo – This comment thread has been very interesting to me. The questions I had about my marital status were from the February questionnaire. It wasn't so much that I felt I owed an answer, more that since I want to write about touchy subjects, ones where it could feel that I hold myself up as an example, I needed to make sure I was honest about the raw materials I'm working with. If that makes sense:).

    SlynnRo – Thanks. Appreciated.

    RoseAG – Ha! I guess I AM a Californian. Amazing what happens to us High WASPs in the diaspora, huh? Again, since I sometimes sound like a snob, I wanted to be clear about where I am one, and where I'm not.

    tintin- Thank you. So far I have been really lucky in that the worst I've been called is a Californian;). And I do like center pieces, still.

  • 09/06/10
    10:57 am

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    tippchic said...

    LPC, I haven't commented for a while but this has flushed me out. Much empathy though not a WASP. I am in the process of divorcing at the moment.. with two small children. I was initially filled with shame being the first marriage failure in my family.But shame was overtaken by a constant regret for my poor kids that I have let them down..they wont have the textbook family etc. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to realise there is no perfect family, there are many versions of failed marriages and my kids will be OK if I work at being OK.
    And a wise person told me that shame is about failing to meet others expectations. If I can remain selfcontained, the shame goes away…I hope that makes sense.
    It is a 'privilege' to have shared the story of this part of your life. You have always sounded like a lady; never more so than on this topic. Maureen

  • 09/06/10
    11:14 am

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    ADG said...

    I'm very late to this party…probably a good thing…but I can't read this without commenting. But I'll make a comment here that's consistent with the post I did about divorce…I'm just stating "things"…not really opinions and certainly not advice.

    I'd like to think that I'm as "over" my divorce as a I need to be or will be. But I've always said that so far, my divorce has been THE defining moment of my life. Yes, more so than the birth of my daughter or any other milestone. It reordered and redefined things for me in ways that I never thought would be necessary…because like you, I never thought I'd be divorced. I bristle at the dismissive nature of those who say that "no-fault" divorces are easy and that everyone just moves on. Yes, it was the best decision. But it was also a humiliating one. Does time heal and do things evolve…get better etc? Of course. I just had brunch with LFG and her mother, my former wife.

    Onward. ADG

  • 09/06/10
    11:36 am

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    QueenBeeSwain said...

    ever the sturdy gal you are! I cannot imagine the heartbreak and subsequent walking through fire that ensued (and still is ongoing, I am sure). you are a true Phoenecian LPC!

    xoox

    kHm

  • 09/06/10
    12:00 pm

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    Flo Ingram/INGRAM DESIGN said...

    Very, very touching. Very, very familiar. There can be 500,000,000 zillion lovely people to pass by here, pleading with you not to feel shame, giving you just as many rational reasons why you shouldn't feel this way but it will thrive until you pick it apart for yourself and get a name put on it. Mine comes and goes, there are definite triggers, so I MADE myself pay attention until I found a pattern and a name. The best clue I've come on so far is that I've started to think that the higher degree of WASP present in the formative years [parents w/ serious community status who were themselves married forever, Episcopal church, debut, vast continent of friends from good long-married families, important schools, shared value system of an idealized upper class, long history through formative years of being held to a high social standard], then the greater the Shame of divorce. Break down your "shame" and see if isn't really about "social stigma." You were likely bred to subtly look down on divorce and divorced people, usually it's very subtle but very clear, and now you're caught looking in the mirror at one of the high WASP objects of revulsion – IOW, you have turned a negatively judging eye onto yourself, you see yourself as someone to look down upon. If this is what it turns out to be for you, as it was for me, then you can deal with it because you can name it. Title: Social Stigma. Sub-title: you are bad because you broke the rules. You did not get to choose the subtle social boundaries that were planted and staked all those years around the person of Skye, but now you can choose. I am long-winded and going on too long, I apologize. All best to you, F.

  • 09/06/10
    1:40 pm

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    hostess of the humble bungalow said...

    I wondered about your marital status but assumed you were very private about that area…you have written such an emotionally open and raw post here Lisa…thank you for being so open.

  • 09/06/10
    3:39 pm

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    The Preppy Princess said...

    The thoughts about needing to share the information make perfect sense. Frankly, the entire aching, exposed nerve-ending post makes perfect sense. Not that I think there is any shame attached to the fact, but I've found that while others' thoughts may help intellectually, on a visceral level I still feel the same way. If that makes sense.

    On top of everything else Miss LPC, it is brilliant writing. Big non-WASPy hugs at you.

  • 09/07/10
    2:11 am

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    mrsbasement said...

    U R awesome.

  • 09/07/10
    7:20 am

    Reply

    Jan said...

    You know, my ex-husband was, as an earlier commenter put it, a dick. And I was still ashamed about my divorce, and what it was doing to my kids although I knew that if I stayed married it would have been worse for them. We must be hard-wired to feel that way when our marriages fail.

  • 09/07/10
    7:48 am

    Reply

    Patsy said...

    Of course I wondered, but I'm a nosey nellie and made up stories in my head anyway.

    I'm sorry that you still feel shame, perhaps one day you won't, but, hopefully, you will always be happy.

    Is your boyfriend George Clooney? ;-)

  • 09/07/10
    9:58 am

    Reply

    lauren said...

    well and bravely said, lisa. much love.

  • 09/07/10
    3:38 pm

    Reply

    Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

    Going through this myself at the moment I get why you feel so sad about being divorced. I'm the first in my family to have a marriage break down (hard to believe in this day and age) and we're not even a religious bunch (no staying together for those kinds of reasons). No, it's about the failure, I'm a failure at relationships, and I purposefully avoided marrying any guy I was going out with in my 20s in the vain hope that if I was older and wiser I'd make a better choice. Obviously not.

    It's also too that my failure has repercussions on the kids lives, and don't we all want to protect our kids from pain.

    Glad you've moved on.

  • 09/08/10
    5:28 am

    Reply

    Duchesse said...

    Not surprised, I sensed this. Once upon a time, the common thinking was that divorce is shameful (like being gay?) Times have changed, we don;t have to accept shame as a part of a major life change.

    When I read my journals from the time of my divorce (25+ years ago) I'm astonished at how deeply I felt failure, the recrimination. Now I am purely grateful I did not spend more years of my life with an unsuitable partner.

  • 09/08/10
    6:25 am

    Reply

    Anonymous said...

    No need to be ashamed about your divorce. You sound like an accomplished and terrific women.

    Bonnie

  • 09/08/10
    8:39 am

    Reply

    LPC said...

    Flo Ingram – It's so hard to untangle social stigma from personal shame. I agree with you, it's a very worthwhile effort, despite the difficult, well on into late in life. Thank you very much.

    Hostess – You are welcome. Thank you so much for all your support.

    TPP – It makes all kinds of sense. Thanks as always.

    mrsbasement – xox u r 2.

    Jan – I bet you are right. I bet it's about survival of the species. Most tough things are, right?

  • 09/08/10
    8:48 am

    Reply

    LPC said...

    Patsy – Imagination is a good thing. And ha! Clooney isn't my type:).

    lauren – thank you.

    Imogen – My thoughts are with you.

    Duchesse – Yes, I imagine it was not hard to figure out. I hope in 25 years I am somewhere similar in feeling.

    Bonnie – Thank you very much.

  • 09/08/10
    9:50 am

    Reply

    LPC said...

    ADG – I was of course thinking about you when I wrote this.

    QBS – Thank you.

  • 09/09/10
    4:38 pm

    Reply

    Twenty Four At Heart said...

    Hmm … I knew you were divorced but I don't know why I knew that? Maybe through one of your comments or emails. Nothing to be ashamed about when a relationship fails … I think it is more remarkable when they don't.

  • 09/12/10
    6:34 am

    Reply

    Maggie said...

    Kudos.

    My husband's parents divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage, and it's so interesting to see how they've moved on in separate ways. Sometimes I describe them as being "fabulously divorced." They each have new partners, they spend time together frequently, we are always together when "the kids" come back to visit, they flirt when they've had too much to drink, etc. T's mother remarried a few years after the divorce (to a family friend the kids had all grown up knowing), but while his father has been dating the same (amazing) woman for eight years and they've lived together for five, he says he won't marry again. "I did it once, and I have three amazing children from it, but I wasn't as good at it as I thought I was, so I won't fail again."

    I'd wager that your feeling of shame, which I absolutely understand, would strike quite the chord with my father-in-law.

  • 03/18/11
    2:03 pm

    Reply

    Danielle said...

    Newer reader who just found this post (while searching for home decorating tips!): Like many other commenters, the shame makes me sad. Sometimes the best choice is to let a relationship end I’ve never been married but broke off my engagement over a year ago; it was very hard but I accept it as the right choice.

    Not sure if you’re into self-help things, but the book/blog “Getting past your breakup” was quite useful for me.

    Also, I had no furniture post-break-up, and have had fun collecting new items!

    03/21/11
    8:19 am
    Lisa said...

    Thank you Danielle. I appreciate this. And I am so sorry about your engagement. I hope that by now other wonderful aspects of life are making you very happy.

  • 03/22/11
    1:19 pm

    Reply

    Danielle said...

    Thanks, Lisa. I realize it was the best decision and I’m feeling a lot better now. Hope you are too :)

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