You will be happy to know I am not wearing Scrunchies to work. Their elastic selves call to me, but I turn my head, resolute.
You might be surprised to hear, however, that Scrunchies may be the best solution to the pressing question, “What should I do with my hair?” More specifically, “What should I do with my longish, graying, straight, slippery hair?”
Sturdy Gals usually crop their hair short, in its salt and pepper incarnation. Artsy Cousins either wear it long, with feather ornaments hither and thither, or cut in precise and interesting geometries. Grande Dames often remain blonde forever, shoulder-length tresses “done” over many blow-dried, hair-producted hours. But I just hate that hot head feeling.
These days I have set my sights on a silvered Grande Dame updo.
Do not, I politely suggest, research this topic on the Internet unless you have a strong stomach for cultural sub-segments and commercials masquerading as information. Results turn up in two primary categories:
- Instructions on “buns,” dominated by the Long Hair Community. Otherwise known as people who post videos entitled, Playing With My Long Hair, and speak in haircronyms. APL means armpit length. I think we can leave it at that. Oh wait, you do need to know there’s something called Terminal Length. OK. I promise I’m done. It is not for me to disdain a cultural sub-group, belonging to a fairly odd one myself.
- Celebrity hairstylist videos for messy updos. Not your garden variety mess, of course, but very special arrangements that rely on an inordinate amount of product, invented, of course, by said hairstylist.
This research, once I was able to draw myself away from the oddly titillating details, did provide some higher level strategic guidance.
- You need at least bra-length hair to create a secure, well-foundationed bun. In fact, I sighed in relief to know that my bun failure was not due to my admitted poor small motor coordination, nor my admitted lack of patience, but rather the length of my follicles.
- Messy updos work best with layered hair, as layers encourage fronds and artistic tendrils to twine. Fetchingly.
I’m no Taylor Swift, queen of fetching. However, since intentionally messy updos are better than “buns” that fall down by mistake, I’m currently exploring Strategy #2. Which brings me to Scrunchies. The easiest, most comfortable updo I know is:
- Gather your hair in one hand
- Hold a Scrunchie in another
- Pull your hair all the way through the Scrunchie with one hand, twist the Scrunchie, pull your hair halfway through in the other direction, leaving a loop to hang artistically from the back of your head
- Twist the Scrunchie one more time around the loop, if necessary
This method is especially valuable because my hair use case is as follows:
- Create LPC Work Hair 1.0 at home
- Walk or drive to work
- Meet with people. Think. Write. Think.
- Intermittently smooth hair repeatedly on head, or run fingers through hair in a disheveling manner. This habit seems to be genetic. Dad always emerged from his study, locks straight up, in what we can only call, “Professor hair.”
All of the above activity requires frequent hair resets. Bobby pins are not my friend. Enter the easy Scrunchie. Or not. Sigh. Professional dignity prevails. So I plan to keep poking chopsticks through braids, and forks through twists until I achieve updo mastery. I will tell you that Spin Pins work well the first time, but the minute the spiral widens, straight to the hair ornament graveyard.
In the interim I would like to send my ponytail to princess school, as befits a Grande Dame in training. An updo-in-waiting, if you will. Sturdy Gals always do their homework, and this week’s course of study will involve the tricky subject of Volume At The Crown. We shall see. Secret hints welcomed.