Here’s some news. Significant Other and I are getting married.
Probably soon, probably near, certainly small. More details, in moderation, to follow.
I’m very, very happy.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Here’s some news. Significant Other and I are getting married.
Probably soon, probably near, certainly small. More details, in moderation, to follow.
I’m very, very happy.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
I love a good oxford. Some of you feel otherwise, that’s OK. There’s room on the style sidewalk for us all.
For a year now I’ve watched women slide on by in delicate lace ups. I’ve yearned. I’ve found nada. Until now. An Aha! moment in a Steven Alan store revealed that the oxford of choice is made by Anniel. An Italian dance shoe company. Essentially Repettos for brogue aficianados. Go look at the site, some of their shoes are covered in stars.
Finally!
I’d been stumped by what to wear with skirts when it gets hot, given that said skirts are worn on a walking commute. My Anniels are a taupe-ish leather. Above is the color “natural.” Yoox has these in suede, on sale for $85. So comfortable. Size down, or be prepared to wear with a foam insert for extra padding. Who on the afore-mentioned style sidewalk would object to extra padding?
This has been a week of shopping resources, has it not?
Am I the last person in the world to discover UNIQLO? Or is it you?
The Japanese retailer, whose avowed goal is to become the largest retailer in the world, opened a store in San Francisco earlier this year. I visited last weekend.
They might be onto something.
If you want Urban Minimalist gear at very low prices, or Cheery Suburban Basics, for that matter, take a gander. They have an online presence as well. I took this jacket home. I paid full price of $50. Now it’s on sale for $29.90.
Also this tee. On sale for $8.00. Made in Vietnam, the country nominated for the most brilliant turnaround of this century. In white, of course, because I was in the mood for danger. Not. Nice piping detail at the neck, and long enough to keep my waistline a state secret.
Finally, I coveted but left in the store, this cotton dress. Marimekko meets Steven Alan. UNIQLO even styles their mannequins with Converse shoes.
I highly recommend you browse online for orientation first. The site is actually annoying, but better to be annoyed at home than overwhelmed in public. Don’t want to find you hiding under a shirt display table, now do we? Although I might be there to keep you company, and then we could have a party.
The San Francisco location is several stories high, and very Asian/European in feel, meaning scads of stuff and minimal signage. Far more Target than American Apparel, or Gap. The latter being the company UNIQLO has overtaken, of course, as the poor thing languishes in Anxiety of J. Crew Influence.
By the way, I love my new little jacket. Have already worn it twice. I’m late to the party, but enthusiastic on arrival.
As Sturdy Gals, we often aspire to other Archetypes. Grande Dame hopefuls sigh for Vivier pumps. Artsy-Lites wish for a little bit of cool.
I myself have made a study of the Artsy style. Let’s not talk about the psychology, it’s fairly quickly assessed. Moving on the the practical, as one does, here’s a Sturdy technique. It works pretty darn well, as we are apt to say.
Pick a retailer and let them choose. Simple, no? This is not rocket science – except perhaps in the choosing of the outlet itself. For the Artsy comes in many variants. That’s what makes it so tricky for the Sturdy of spirit and aesthetic. We prefer clear rules.
So imagine a few Artsy options. Each come with rewards, and risks.
Steven Alan stores can be found scattered at the margins of America. It’s the kind of place where people know how to accessorize a plaid shirt – no gardening clogs allowed. Where maxi skirts start to make sense. The danger here is leaving in the clothing of a 12-year old girl. Anyone over 40 should avoid their short shirt-dresses at all cost, or risk channeling Dorothy Gale. Next stop hair-ribbons.

Have you ever done jury duty? Or at least been summoned for possible duty?
I spent a couple of days this week at our county courthouse. Here’s how jury selection works, at least in Northern California.
For anyone with a Saturday in May waiting outside your door, we’ll cut to the chase. I was challenged, and excused.
But not without some observations.
The last time I had been in a courthouse was during my divorce proceedings. Oh how painful that was. And how little privilege mattered. We are all bare in the courthouse, accused, dissolving, petitioning for succor. Paint scuffs don’t discriminate.
Despite the, how else can I put this, human suffering that they witness, courthouse employees in my neck of their woods seem to like their jobs. The security guard bellowed happily, “Belts off! Cellphones, bags, keys, off!” The cafe cook made me an omelet with ripe avocado, even though breakfast was done. The clerk who spoke to the ~200 assembled in the basement juror room chattered like a late night TV host. In fact, she was so enthusiastic that I wanted to tell her to substitute speed for pep. But I didn’t.
Another woman did. Spoke up right in the middle of our clerk’s speech and said, “PLEASE! Can you just call upstairs and find out if we are needed? THEN you can chat with everyone?? I understood her impulse but not the action. The world is uncivil often enough for good reason. What harm did the extra 15 minutes do if it allowed someone to enjoy their life’s work? Not to get all self-righteous, but surely the system of justice warrants patience?
I also noticed how many people who are citizens of America can’t speak English well enough to participate in our civic rites. I am not of the belief that people should be forced to learn their host country’s language, or that said countries should stop supporting diverse immigrant populations. But I find it hard to imagine how it must feel, living in a country where you can’t understand the national leader, the police, or even many of the songs. I think it’s both the strength and weakness of America that singular cultures can persist in isolation.
I also wonder how people parent when their children speak a different language, hear a different narrative altogether? How do they explain the rules? The context? Maybe in my next life I will find out.
Cellphones didn’t work in the basement where we waited to be called for potential service. I had to sit, and listen. And look around. I believe the Internet is largely a force for good, and in any case there is no turning back, but never underestimate the value of living in your body and perceiving the immediate and precious world. Noticing context.
In the end, though, I think for most of us the internal monologue remains our most compelling experience. Certainly it’s true for me. Because it’s so delicious, we have to try our absolute hardest to hear it clearly. Hard to distance yourself from yourself, but necessary sometimes. Often in the same moment when you have to be most present
I was in the second round of those chosen for voir dire. So during the first round I listened to the attorney questions and thought about what I’d say if questioned. Good thing I don’t yet talk to myself out loud. Warning, middle-aged lady muttering to herself in the courtroom!
Then they called me up.
I could tell that the case centered around police rough-handling, and whether it had been required or gratuitous. The defendant, Hispanic, was accused of resisting police. The voir dire sought to determine our bias for or against law enforcement, and by implication our beliefs about de facto racisim in America. I could see that it was going to come down to whether you believed the policeman or the guy, sitting with his balding head and anxious eyes, at the table.
Asked repeatedly, by both sides, whether I could judge impartially, I said “Yes.” The prosecution excused me anyway.
The prosecution was probably right. While I am one of the most logical people I know, what logic reveals is that decisions often have to be made on feelings. Had the logic, the evidence, made a clear case one way or the other I would have been able to put my biases aside. Would have had to, it’s the law.
But without a clear answer, in a case of He Said He Said, I’d have advocated for the decision that caused the least harm. And I believe the defendant would have suffered most from a faulty decision. Good job, Mademoiselle Prosecutor.
Blue And Red
To me that’s the core of our current uncivil politics. I believe America is so stubbornly split into Red and Blue because there’s no clear answer to most of our large questions. Without clear answer, we fall back on feelings. Some of us feel that the greatest societal risk is Harm to The Weak, some of us fear Harm from The Other.
I’m a big fan of the American justice system in general. And yet, as all systems do, ’twill fail and we’ll revert to our internal monologues. Which is why we hope people pay attention to their immediate precious world, and with any luck, do their jobs with enthusiasm. Job in the broad sense. All the way to civic if we can.
I wonder how it turned out.
Have a good weekend.
Above, a view from the 8th floor of the courthouse, and my fingers. The personal superimposed on the broad, in case I have been at all obscure so far.
Don’t read this post. Seriously. Instead, stop by your bookstore, or newsstand if those are still to be found, and acquire the June edition of Architectural Digest. You will not regret it. Should you already be a subscriber, pick your copy up off the coffee table and open its lambent and ink-scented pages.
If you are in fact still reading here, what news! AD has featured the country house belonging to “Reggie Darling,” (for it is a nom de plume) and his husband, “Boy.” Perfection I tell you. As his blog would indicate. If you are in fact still reading here, go there instead.
My usual reaction to AD takes several guises. 1) Yikes! Too much chintz. 2) Oh no! Far too modern! 3) Worst of all, Too. Much. Decorator. 4) Finally, hey family member next to me on the sofa, mom, sister, brother, isn’t this beautiful? We would live here, right?
Reggie’s house gets Reaction Number 4. In a big way.
The icing on the cake is that Reggie is a splendid fellow, kind, generous, and deferential where he might instead hold court. So I hope you join in me in cheering on success for the good guys, and in contemplating exquisite green walls with tiger maple accents. Graceful chairs and subtle flooring. Harmony. Sigh. And most of all, congratulations to my generous and hospitable friend!
Image scanned in from my purchased copy. AD does not have Darlington House in its online edition. Saving the best, of course, for monetization.
Yesterday someone stole my wallet.
I am not sure when or where it happened, exactly. My company had an offsite after-work event, and I noticed the loss after I had parked in a garage near the venue. Annoyed, I first assumed I’d left it behind in my office. I walked to the event, borrowed $10 to pay the parking fee, watched people play in a pool tournament, ate sliders, drank wine, and prepared to end my night inconvenienced.
Then I decided I had to return to the office, just to check. As I waited for the 7pm parking rules to pass – so I could leave my car on the street and scoot into the building – my phone rang. American Express, notifying me of questionable charges at two gas stations.
And so it began.
I took care of all the stuff, the credit alert, canceling cards, and so on. That took all of an hour or two. But I feel disturbed still.
People who have experienced real crime report a far more intense version of my reaction. By real crime, I mean violence, of person or house. I lost a blue wallet from Barneys and something like $100. That’s it so far and I hope will be the end of the matter. Thank you credit bureaus, card companies, bank chat support.
But at the emotional level theft is about the loss of trust. Trust, of all kinds, allows us to build an imagined world that extends us in time, space, or identity. When trust is broken, it’s not the event itself that hurts most. It’s the rupture of all previous assumptions about rules of the system. Whether that system be sidewalks, marriages, or fundamental personal safety.
I trusted the people of San Francisco, those humans who bustle down my little rectangle of city blocks, eat tacos, and take the occasional bus. Trust allowed me to navigate in a bubble. An unzipped purse wouldn’t matter in my bubble. Pop.
It’s not a big deal. I was careless because I’m a Pollyanna. My bubble involved a refusal to live with a sense of threat, and that’s dumb, in a city.
But other people suffer from much more serious breakages of trust. They aren’t living in bubbles, they are just trying to make their way. I find myself thinking about those of you who have endured infidelity, violence, betrayal, and this makes me feel all the more privileged, oddly. I also find myself hoping that the person or people who have my money, and bought some goods at gas stations, were nice. Or deprived, and maybe now they feel a little abundance.
Pollyanna die hard, I suppose.
One last thing. This morning I got an email, to my blog address. Someone, identified only as ShyB, found my driver’s license and some other cards, and is mailing them to the address they found on my license. I am torn between an impulse towards gratitude, and worry. I’m going to go with gratitude.
Thanks, ShyB. As my mother says, A Simple Thank You Will Suffice. But let’s look out for those unable to return to a place of gratitude after harm. The capacity to thank, to come out believing that things will probably be OK, is in and of itself a privilege.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Beladora asked if I’d write a post on Mother’s Day presents for the Style Archetypes. Although I had just written about Beladora jewelry, I do love a straightforward request, so much easier to negotiate than veiled asks or polite threats.
Besides, the Style Archetypes clamored at my window late one night to say, “Do it!” Et voilà, some generous, Archetype-approved options. That $150 discount applies through Sunday, just be sure to set up an account and use the code SKYE. It might even be possible – give them a call – to get delivery before Monday.
She always wears jewelry, and it always matches. Given an already extensive collection, she appreciates the niche present, a direct reflection of occasion. No basics for her. So, a heart. This one will match, in a perfectly non-matching way, her amber ear clips.
Why things sharp read so Artsy I do not know. Think about it – safety pins, razor blades, shark’s teeth. Must be that the term “edgy” means “cutting” as much as “on the margins.” In any case, the Artsy Mother will smile at her dagger pendant and wear it – with chambray – to paint.
You may be tempted to buy the Sturdy Mother a pearl strand, or some sensible studs. Do not. She carries more tender secrets in her heart than any, albeit tamped down by many years of heavy lifting. Surprise her with something fantastical. Kiss her when you see the beginnings of tears. She hadn’t known you understood she’s been a romantic all this time.
I bought myself some danglies I’ve coveted for donkey’s years, seen here, using my extra-special $250 discount. I’m on Beladora’s mailing list, you see. You can sign up too.
Deep breath. I have to gird my loins for substantive posts.
The other afternoon I was at a party with people in their early 30s. I was telling a story about things street people have said as I walked in San Francisco. Male street people. And I was surprised by the young women’s reaction. These are the stories.
I objected to neither event.
But at the party, as we sat in dappled sun, the young women listening made noises of mild outrage. Had they spoken fully, they might have said, “Can you believe it?”
But where’s the rub? This calls for deconstruction. More numbered points.
Should I have minded that the men pointed out I am no longer young? No. No and no. I much prefer “Old Lady” to the saccharine “Miss.” “Miss” implies you think I mind being 56. I don’t. That’s one reason I have let my hair go gray, to make it clear that I am exactly what I am, crepey neck, veiny feet, remnants of pretty and all.
Should I have minded that they implied that old isn’t supposed to warrant catcalls in the first place? Why? It is what it is. As a Darwinist I see it as mostly biology. The species’ relentless rush towards propagation built desire’s infrastructure. Not all desire follows the male-female plan, of course, but the underpinnings remain. Now that I’m out of the fertility game, I expect expressions of desire from those who do not know me, who see nothing other than my hip-to-waist ratio, to dwindle. To disappear, eventually.
I will continue to require them from the appropriately near and dear.
Should I have minded that men made comments about my looks at all? That they referenced desire, albeit politely? As long as women are victims of sexual assault, yes, perhaps. While neither of my recent experiences happened in at night, no comments were made about my body parts per se, I felt no threat, I still respect the larger concerns around harassment and violence.
But on those days, walking down the street, I didn’t mind the by now rare polite and threatless comments. I kind of enjoyed them, truth be told. However, there’s one last part of all this that I don’t like. I wish I were brave enough that when a beautiful man – hair springing from his forehead, broad shoulders, a certain smile – passes by, I could say, “Hey gorgeous!” But think of the rules I’d break, the mores I’d disrupt. A shift is required. For polite male comments of appreciation to ever be completely OK, I think society would have to come to accept the same from women. Of every age. Certainly we’d have to give up all talk of Cougars.
I expect in another 5-10 years I will relinquish all liniments of stranger desire. I will prompt nothing but courtesy. I will try not to mind.
Today I’m over at Pinterest, imagining. Contrary to popular opinion, I find Pinterest obviates buying. A little time spent pinning photos can be as endorphin-producing as a purchase – or more, as one avoids closet clutter, wallet-thinning, buyer’s remorse.
Sometimes even I have very little to say on a Saturday morning. Just let the swell of the day carry us where it may.